Fertility

‘My husband and I experience this period of insecurity during our treatment so differently’, says Michelle. ‘When the only thing I can do is cry, he says: ‘It is going to be okay’. How does he know? Nobody knows! And why does it feel like the whole world is ending and I don’t see a single tear on his face? Sometimes I doubt whether he wants a baby as much as I do.’ Why does my partner experience this so differently?This is a regular topic of conversation in my practice. But it is not the experience that is different but the expressing of emotions that is so different.

My husband and I experience this period of insecurity during our treatment so differently

Emotions

‘I can really shake you sometimes. Please tell me, what does it feel like for you that we have been trying to fulfill our wish to have a child for so long now and we have experienced so many disappointments? Show your emotions too.’ Michelle almost screams. I see the despair on her face. Dave looks at Michelle and then at me. I can see from his body language that he doesn’t know what to do with all these emotions from his wife.

Then Dave starts to talk about how it feels that he is the only one in his group of friends who doesn’t have a child. The mixed emotions he is experiencing now since his younger sister is pregnant. That he longs so much for a child with the woman whom he loves so much. That he is afraid that it will never work out. Michelle is silent and takes his hand. Then she gives him a hug and says; ‘Why didn’t you tell me this at home? I didn’t know you felt this. When I see and hear you like this, I get the feeling that we are sitting here together as a team and I am not alone.’

Support and prop

I explain to Michelle and Dave that the man/husband is often concerned about his wife. As long as she is doing well, he is okay. Men are busy comforting and keeping the daily affairs going. The men support and prop up, I say with a smile. They consciously or unconsciously suppress their own emotions. There are two things that go wrong with this kind of approach. First, when you push emotions away, things may go well for a while. But eventually those emotions want to express themselves. If you don’t deal with them for a long time, you will get physical complaints such as back pain, shoulder pain, high blood pressure, or mental tension such as a short fuse.
Michelle looks stunned and looks at Dave. ‘That explains your enormous back pain.’ ‘The second thing that goes wrong and that Michelle is experiencing, is that if you – as her partner – do not share your emotions, alienation sets in. It has already gotten so far that Michelle thought that you didn’t want a baby so badly.’

Together

I ask Michelle how does it feel now that Dave has shared his emotions. ‘It felt like a lonely project to me and now it feels like we are in this together again. Dave, it gives me the strength that I need to keep moving forward in the treatment process but also in our marriage. We can now share the sorrow and bear it together.’ ‘And you Dave? What is it like for you to share your feelings like this?’ ‘I just thought I was protecting her by not sharing my emotions because she was already having such a hard time.’
‘With all your good intentions you just created a split in the relationship’, I respond. ‘It is also your sorrow. You deserve just as much attention as your wife.’

The man

I regularly see that men are given little attention in processing their emotions about the unfulfilled desire to have children and the tensions surrounding a fertility treatment procedure. Men themselves also say that within their (social) environment it is the woman who is always asked what’s it like for her, but that the man is rarely asked how it feels for him.
A tip: If you and your partner are in this process, ask each other regularly, how are you feeling about the fact that we are not pregnant yet? How do you think the treatment is going? How do you deal with disappointments? What gives you hope? What can I do for you?

If friends and family normally ask questions or pay attention to only one of you, don’t hesitate to say, you should also ask my partner this question, because we have a common wish for a child. We are in this together.

‘I feel quite stupid and I am ashamed, I should be able to handle my fertility treatment in a much better way. All these other women are going through this process so easily. And I am sitting here with you, and all I can do is cry. So I am that weak woman who can’t handle it.’ These are the first few words Susan told me during our consultation. Our conversation continued with my words: ‘Susan, how good and courageous that you are here. If it helps you, my practice is full of women and men who, like you, take the step to seek help for emotional support. You are not stupid and you should never feel ashamed. You are just smart and brave.’

I feel quite stupid and I am ashamed, I should be able to handle my fertility treatment in a much better way.

Lowest point

Susan is one of the many women for whom I work so hard on my mission to draw attention to the mental burden of the unfulfilled desire to have children. And to lower the threshold to seek help. It is often the case that I see my clients for the first time when they are already at their lowest point. Many of them, like Susan, experience the shame of seeking emotional support. After all, they have a physical problem, namely that they have not been able to conceive so far. My clients regularly only take the step to visit my practice if their problem gets in the way of their functioning, and they feel they can no longer avoid help.

The feeling of shame

‘There are so many women going through an IVF treatment these days. Then I hear them say, it wasn’t so bad. And I think it isn’t easy at all! Why don’t I have the strength like those women?’, says Susan with tears in her eyes. ‘Do you speak directly to these women’, I ask? ‘No, that is what I hear’ answers Susan. ‘But if you don’t directly hear it from them, you’ll never xnow what they really said, Susan. Do you know the whisper game? You tell a story to someone, then this person has to tell it to the next one and so on. At the end something totally different than the original story always comes out.’
Don’t base your opinions and feelings on stories you didn’t hear directly from the people who are experiencing them. Everyone has their own story and experiences, of course. But someone who has been in the process for a long time and has faced disappointments will never tell you that is has been easy. Don’t get distracted by the stories of others, focus on how it feels to you and what you can do to keep moving forward.

The sense of faillure

‘The sense of failure, the feeling of shame, tell me more about that.’ ‘How much time do you have’, says Susan with a tired smile. ‘I am ashamed of my body that doesn’t work. I am ashamed towards my parents, who so desperately want to be grandparents. I am ashamed towards my doctor, that I must honestly confess that after two IVF cycles I am already so tired and sad that I can’t take it anymore. I am ashamed that I function less at work. I am ashamed that I cannot bear my husband a child. I am ashamed that I don’t like having sex anymore. On all these fronts I feel the shame.’

To talk about this openly is a good starting point. Good to have you here, Susan.

‘The terrible weeks of waiting. I get advice from everyone about what to do, those two weeks before the pregnancy test. It makes me mad and sad. I only feel more stressed because of all these tips. In addition, it makes me feel like I haven’t done anything right so far.’ I look at a distraught expression on Laura’s face and say; ‘The only correct advice you get is to answer the question, what do I want for myself?’

The only correct advice you get is answering the question, what do I want for myself?

Distraction that suits you

Does it help you to find distraction in your work and to plan the evenings full of social activities? Or do you find relaxation in using the evenings as a resting point and reading a good book with a blanket on the couch? You have to do what helps you and that is very personal. No one else can determine that for you. The only advice I can give that applies to everyone is not to spend all day on the couch or in your bed staring at the clock. Then the days go by too slowly!

Longing for a positive test

The weeks of waiting after an insemination or embryo transfer.are very difficult. I always call them the terrible weeks, myself. Don’t forget those weeks are also hopeful, because after two weeks of waiting you may finally have that positive test in your hands. But it is also possible that you will have to deal with disappointment again. And how do you deal with that? How do you process that? And how do you stand up after another disappointment and find hope again?
It is not easy. After those 2 weeks, the news literally determines lives. During those days the time creeps by to the final outcome.

Don’t think about it!

‘Marijke, those people say to me, you shouldn’t think about it so much. Then I really want to scream and say: you have no idea what you are talking about.’ ‘Yes’, I say with a smile of recognition. ‘It was always hard for me to respond politely to this advice, myself. But realize that everyone wants to give a helping hand. Explain to them that when you know an embryo can develop, or that you saw the embryo during transfer, then it isn’t possible not to think about it.
It is the same as saying to yourself, don’t think about a pink elephant, although it’s in your living room the whole day, or in the office at your desk, swaying its trunk. So you can think about it, just give it some space.

Try to find the distraction that suits you, and the biggest gain will be made by accepting that it is an exciting, scary and insecure time. That’s the beauty of accepting. As soon as you can and may admit to yourself that it is exciting and scary, it becomes less difficult. To deny it, is to deceive yourself and your body and mind won’t fall for it.

Create positive experiences

In addition, I would like to give you the tip to take extra good care of yourself during this period. Create positive experiences. I mean, do you like flowers? Buy yourself a nice bunch. Take that extended shower, or go shopping. Call your best friend who really listens and can make you laugh. Do what make you feel good. And tell all those sweet, well-intentioned tip-givers: I love to come to you for support, such as a listening ear and a hug, but please leave out the advice.
I have thought everything through myself, and if I need advice, I will ask a professional.