The impact of fertility treatment

‘I feel quite stupid and I am ashamed, I should be able to handle my fertility treatment in a much better way. All these other women are going through this process so easily. And I am sitting here with you, and all I can do is cry. So I am that weak woman who can’t handle it.’ These are the first few words Susan told me during our consultation. Our conversation continued with my words: ‘Susan, how good and courageous that you are here. If it helps you, my practice is full of women and men who, like you, take the step to seek help for emotional support. You are not stupid and you should never feel ashamed. You are just smart and brave.’

I feel quite stupid and I am ashamed, I should be able to handle my fertility treatment in a much better way.

Lowest point

Susan is one of the many women for whom I work so hard on my mission to draw attention to the mental burden of the unfulfilled desire to have children. And to lower the threshold to seek help. It is often the case that I see my clients for the first time when they are already at their lowest point. Many of them, like Susan, experience the shame of seeking emotional support. After all, they have a physical problem, namely that they have not been able to conceive so far. My clients regularly only take the step to visit my practice if their problem gets in the way of their functioning, and they feel they can no longer avoid help.

The feeling of shame

‘There are so many women going through an IVF treatment these days. Then I hear them say, it wasn’t so bad. And I think it isn’t easy at all! Why don’t I have the strength like those women?’, says Susan with tears in her eyes. ‘Do you speak directly to these women’, I ask? ‘No, that is what I hear’ answers Susan. ‘But if you don’t directly hear it from them, you’ll never xnow what they really said, Susan. Do you know the whisper game? You tell a story to someone, then this person has to tell it to the next one and so on. At the end something totally different than the original story always comes out.’
Don’t base your opinions and feelings on stories you didn’t hear directly from the people who are experiencing them. Everyone has their own story and experiences, of course. But someone who has been in the process for a long time and has faced disappointments will never tell you that is has been easy. Don’t get distracted by the stories of others, focus on how it feels to you and what you can do to keep moving forward.

The sense of faillure

‘The sense of failure, the feeling of shame, tell me more about that.’ ‘How much time do you have’, says Susan with a tired smile. ‘I am ashamed of my body that doesn’t work. I am ashamed towards my parents, who so desperately want to be grandparents. I am ashamed towards my doctor, that I must honestly confess that after two IVF cycles I am already so tired and sad that I can’t take it anymore. I am ashamed that I function less at work. I am ashamed that I cannot bear my husband a child. I am ashamed that I don’t like having sex anymore. On all these fronts I feel the shame.’

To talk about this openly is a good starting point. Good to have you here, Susan.